I'm in a strange mood, not good, not bad, just blah.  I don't really have anything to talk about though so I'm gonna post song lyrics instead like they're meaningful.  Woo!

I've felt crazy the past couple days.  Like I don't know what's going on and I'm kind of helpless.  I don't feel sad and not particularly angry.  Just like...  Really uncertain of myself and tense and nervous and like I can't relax.  It's like an acute form of the anxiety I had back when I was depressed. 

I don't like it!

Arrrrrgh.  Don't know how to make it go away.

Currently Listening Gymnasia By The Show Is the Rainbow "Alls Well Blah Blah Blah" see related

Not Like It Used To

Meh.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now except that the things I love seem just out of reach.  I wonder if I really have any value to anyone.  Cause second best means getting left behind.

I wish relationships didn't have to be hypersexual first and meaningful later.  I'm not really good at wanting people that way.  I don't really wanna go to bed alone anymore either.  Kinda just want to know someone's there.

I miss being welcomed.  I try to be welcoming to everyone else.

I hate doing things for people knowing they would never do the same for me.  Stupid little things.

I don't know.  I don't know what to do or who to be to make people love me more.

When I invest time into a person it's because I like them and hope they're not gonna leave me.

Lately though I just feel like I'm gonna get left.

Currently Listening Drake Equation By Tub Ring see related

Thought Collection

Graduating is nice because all the pressure of having to do things to get the grade kind of went out the window for me.  Now I can basically do whatever the hell I want, which means I can live an easy, low-stress lifestyle, much to my parents' annoyance.  Respect the working class, kids.

My mind has always been in a million places at once, my attentions jumping from possibility to possibility.  I've always found it hard to be just one thing, to focus and be pure, and thus I haven't and probably never will decide on just one career.  My dad is retired and he admits to not knowing what he really wanted to do.

The problem, if you can call it a problem, is that there are a million things that interest me, that I enjoy learning about and being a part of, so why would I choose just one eh?  I seem to be most useful as a writer in all honesty, but you won't see me writing a novel any time soon.  My attentions are too flighty.  I have fun drawing sometimes but I hate trying to do it seriously; my flaws as an artist really bother me and the incredible amount of patience and work that go into it escape me.  I need something I can do in short bursts.  Lately I've been trying to get my foot in the door as a music reviewer but even that's hard to focus on.

But I don't really mind it, honestly.  I know too many working class kids and know that they lead lives of pleasant simplicity.  It's far more romantic than climbing higher and higher on some career ladder, not thinking of what you're missing and always feeling like you've so far to go.  I just get that nag in the back of my mind that I need to be competing for something.  But I don't.  And from what I've seen, it only leads to unhappiness and lost sleep.

I'm still pursuing my dreams.  I just don't feel like they'll make or break me.  There's so much to see and do in this world, so many people to meet, and while I do enjoy the feeling of obsession from time to time I like to remind myself not to get stuck.  Because freedom is wonderful.

On another note, a sense of vanity that I haven't felt in a couple years seems to be returning.  Strange.  I do so hope I'm not regressing. 

In other news, learning is still awesome.  If anyone wants to buy me some books on weird shit, I have a list.