thejoltz's Xanga

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 20:42:48 GMT

I'm in a strange mood, not good, not bad, just blah. I don't really have anything to talk about though so I'm gonna post song lyrics instead like they're meaningful. Woo!

I won't regret saying this,

This thing that I'm saying

Is it better than keeping my mouth shut?

That goes without saying

Call, break it off

Call, break my own heart

Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at

Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at

But now we'll never know

I won't be sad, but in case I'll go there

Every day

To make myself feel bad, there's a chance

I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do

I won't be out long

But I still think it better if

You take your time coming over here

I think that's for the best

Call, break it off

Call, break my own heart

Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at

Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at

I won't feel sad but in case I'll go there

Every day

To make myself feel bad, there's a chance

I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 09:52:05 GMT

I've felt crazy the past couple days. Like I don't know what's going on and I'm kind of helpless. I don't feel sad and not particularly angry. Just like... Really uncertain of myself and tense and nervous and like I can't relax. It's like an acute form of the anxiety I had back when I was depressed.

I don't like it!

Arrrrrgh. Don't know how to make it go away.

Not Like It Used To

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 15:54:08 GMT

Meh.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now except that the things I love seem just out of reach. I wonder if I really have any value to anyone. Cause second best means getting left behind.

I wish relationships didn't have to be hypersexual first and meaningful later. I'm not really good at wanting people that way. I don't really wanna go to bed alone anymore either. Kinda just want to know someone's there.

I miss being welcomed. I try to be welcoming to everyone else.

I hate doing things for people knowing they would never do the same for me. Stupid little things.

I don't know. I don't know what to do or who to be to make people love me more.

When I invest time into a person it's because I like them and hope they're not gonna leave me.

Lately though I just feel like I'm gonna get left.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 04:54:44 GMT

I'm walking around your closet

I want you to say my name again

Thought Collection

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 04:20:50 GMT

Graduating is nice because all the pressure of having to do things to get the grade kind of went out the window for me. Now I can basically do whatever the hell I want, which means I can live an easy, low-stress lifestyle, much to my parents' annoyance. Respect the working class, kids.

My mind has always been in a million places at once, my attentions jumping from possibility to possibility. I've always found it hard to be just one thing, to focus and be pure, and thus I haven't and probably never will decide on just one career. My dad is retired and he admits to not knowing what he really wanted to do.

The problem, if you can call it a problem, is that there are a million things that interest me, that I enjoy learning about and being a part of, so why would I choose just one eh? I seem to be most useful as a writer in all honesty, but you won't see me writing a novel any time soon. My attentions are too flighty. I have fun drawing sometimes but I hate trying to do it seriously; my flaws as an artist really bother me and the incredible amount of patience and work that go into it escape me. I need something I can do in short bursts. Lately I've been trying to get my foot in the door as a music reviewer but even that's hard to focus on.

But I don't really mind it, honestly. I know too many working class kids and know that they lead lives of pleasant simplicity. It's far more romantic than climbing higher and higher on some career ladder, not thinking of what you're missing and always feeling like you've so far to go. I just get that nag in the back of my mind that I need to be competing for something. But I don't. And from what I've seen, it only leads to unhappiness and lost sleep.

I'm still pursuing my dreams. I just don't feel like they'll make or break me. There's so much to see and do in this world, so many people to meet, and while I do enjoy the feeling of obsession from time to time I like to remind myself not to get stuck. Because freedom is wonderful.

On another note, a sense of vanity that I haven't felt in a couple years seems to be returning. Strange. I do so hope I'm not regressing.

In other news, learning is still awesome. If anyone wants to buy me some books on weird shit, I have a list.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Wed, 16 May 2007 13:34:16 GMT

AHAHAHA I AM ROCKING OUT IN A COFFEE SHOP ARTCORE

Although your clock is running low, there is a place

For you

And if you don't just settle down, there's nothing we

Can do

Too many fish are caught while swimming upstream

Too many people holding on to a dream that

That just won't come true

Until the uninitiated

Everyone can see

Your time was wasted

On anyone but me

There was a man who was workin on

A very different trade

And through the years he continued on

He had to pinch and save

And though he claimed it was a job he loved

He had to quit when the going got tough

It was the smartest move he made

Until the uninitiated

Everyone can see

Your time was wasted

On anyone but

The uninitiated

Everyone can see

Your time was wasted

On anyone but

Meeeeee

That song sounds like it should be a sitcom theme. Anywho... I am trying to find a job an apartment. I'm sure you all know that bit. Living on a couch. Obsessed with a band. Survival mode. Things are looking busy. Things are looking up.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Sun, 06 May 2007 05:23:55 GMT

I am hopped up on energy drinks and it is not helping my focus on my homework. It is making me want to buy comics though and, as I have done several times in the past, I feel the need to make a buy list. I know you guys don't care but it's my blog, dammit!

-Spider-woman: Origins

-Nextwave Vol. 1

-Manhunter Vol. 1

-Runaways Vol. 1

-The Loners #02

-The Fate of the Artist

-Junko Mizuno's Pure Trance

-The Abandoned

-Desolation Jones #05 (someone has to have it!)

-The New Avengers

-World War Hulk

-The Comics Festival 2007 Free Comic Book Day thing (cause Faren couldn't find it on her mission)

-Lost at Sea

I'm sure I could list tons more, but that's a good start I guess. I've never read Spider-woman but I do like her character design. I saw a t-shirt that had her crawling on a web, with the words "Deadlier Than The Male" under it. It was badass. And made me want to read it.

FINALS AHHH.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 14:48:57 GMT

I am glad this is the last day of spring break. I am so sick of work and after this week pretty much want to quit. I like the people I work with but I am not close enough to them and always feel like the odd one out. And my patience has been wearing quite thin with customers. I've had to resist telling people to step off. Despite my efforts, I can't help but feel negative and burnt out when I go to work.

I've just been negative a lot lately. I want to offer something positive to people but can't seem to hide what's in my heart. I wish I could purge it all somehow. Like permanently. I feel like I've become too tainted to really be worth knowing or getting close to. This because I know I was once pure and there was nothing but joy and hope for all people in me.

Also, my period is two weeks late.

I am concerned some people are drifting away and may not want me in their life so much anymore. I'm trying to re-analyze how it is I interact with people and if I'm giving them what they need really. And I am trying. I don't know if they realize it though.

I don't like change. I have reason enough not to like change but life IS change. Like I said, I'm making new friends but I still feel kind of awkward with them, not relaxed, not quite myself. I keep trying to figure out where my limits really lie and how much I'm willing to push them aside so that I don't have be alone. It is very important to me that I be loved or at least get attention. It is also important to me that I can trust a person to stay around.

I went out with Liz and Bobby the other night and they were both wondering why Will never really introduced me to them before because they like me. Bobby and I went on about all the comics we read and anime we've watched. Liz and I chatted a bit and sang songs. It was cool.

And I am going to get an apartment with Mandi. We've been talking more and hung out before she left for St. Louis. She is back now.

I want to be worthy of love. I want to be capable of love. I want to be believed in. I don't want to be doomed to the same bitter loneliness my parents seem to assure me, in their roundabout way, that everyone ends up with.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 00:12:31 GMT

Today I went to a Thai restaurant with the art team of Devil's Due and got a fortune cookie. It read "You think that is a secret, but it never has been one." And now I keep wondering how this could apply to my life. Perhaps I have been reading too much House of Leaves.

Which is a pretty amazing book, by the way. It took ten years to write so you know it's amazing. And it goes quicker than it looks, considering the constantly changing format (which actually reflects the feelings of characters in the book).

Um... Aside from my fortune cookie, I am on spring break and doing a whole lot of work and nothing. I am hoping to be trained for face-painting and airbrush tattooing tomorrow so perhaps they will stop placing me on the godforsaken photo op.

Caitlin, the girl I work with at Devil's Due, is highly impressed that I have any job at all. She knows many an art student who ended up back home the second school finished. None of them had jobs while in school.

I find this quite odd.

Miss my friends. Hesitant about making new ones, though my options have grown over this past weekend. You know how it goes.

What the fuck does this fortune mean?!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 05:09:01 GMT

I just finished reading Blankets, the epic autobiographical comic by Craig Thompson that tells a story of first love and growing up. The thing's like 600 pages, which amazes me, cause I have a sense of how much frickin' work it takes to produce even one page.

It was a quiet, melancholy sort of story that ended satisfyingly and yet achingly. It's always strange when stories leave you with a sense of loss and longing. You feel this need for some more definite form of closure, but you know that life isn't like that; it just keeps going. And that ache somehow translates into "oh, this is beautiful."

But if you're in the right mood, even if you don't normally read comics, you should definitely check out Blankets. It's very "literary" and easy to relate to. There's a lot of silly and painful childhood memories. There's also a lot of Craig's coping with guilt he internalized from parents, townspeople, religious doctrine, and his own imagination as he tries to choose a direction in life and falls in love for the first time. And Thompson portrays the feeling of being an outsider incredibly well.

In other news, I have suddenly imposed a lot of projects on myself at once. Aside from desperately needing to finish a drawing and painting for my painting class, a marker drawing for Friday, and TWO comic scripts for Monday, I've also started scripting a comic series I've had in my head since high school, am working on an illustration (or two, if all goes well) for Kissybook, I want to do some more scribbly stuff to put in my school's Sketchy exhibition, aaaaand there's a few other arty things I've been working on for fun and should really finish already. Let us hope the weekend proves productive!